Mama Has the Kindergarten Blues

My first born headed to Kindergarten last week and I am not okay. I know that I will learn to deal with it and eventually I’ll be okay, but for now I am not. I also know that he will absolutely be okay. Technically, this is not our first school year, we’ve done three years of preschool, but to me Kindergarten feels like our party has come to a crashing halt. I’ve got the Kindergarten Blues.

Since becoming a stay-at-home-mom almost 6 years ago, I’ve enjoyed the sense of freedom that comes along with my mindful commitment to not schedule too much stuff. I had a day for my Moms Group, a day that I taught a yoga class, and even though I did send my son to preschool, it was only for three days a week and there was not really an attendance policy, so if we wanted to take a day off we would. Other than that, I kept our schedule open so we could just do whatever we felt like. 

It was wide open spaces, and I liked it like that.   

Now, we are bound by the school schedule. The things we loved doing throughout the year, that I avoided doing when school was out because I don’t care for crowds, we can now only do when school is out. If we wanted to run up to Sedona at the spur of the moment, we could. It’s not like we did that often, but we certainly had the option. If we wanted to sleep in or wear our jammies all day long, nobody could stop us. We had a blank check of fun and it seemed like it would never run out. But now the check has been cashed. This new way of life gives me a bit of anxiety to not be able to be so footloose and fancy free. I’m already longing for the good old days of not needing to watch the clock. 

With Big Brother in Kindergarten, it will be interesting to see how Little Brother will do on his own. We rely on Big Bro so much for entertainment. When he was in preschool, I took Little Bro to Mommy & Me Yoga classes and he was a whole different child by himself versus how he would be with his brother there with him. Together, the boys are loud and feral. I never knew Little to be shy and quiet, but that is exactly how he is when Big isn’t with him. I spent a lot of time when Big was little cultivating friendships with other moms who had kids the same age as him, so had lots of playmates when he was Little’s age. Little basically has zero friends of his very own, so I’m not sure how we are going to spend our time together.   

More than just the new schedule, I’m feeling a little bit…make that a lot a bit, overwhelmed by how quickly my first baby went from being a tiny, little baby to this big kid off to Kindergarten. When you hear that it goes so fast, man, that is the truth!  I wonder if I did enough to prepare him. Did we read enough? Did we play enough? Did we make enough memories? I wish I could go back to the beginning and do it all over again and cherish EVERYTHING EVEN MORE.  

As I said previously, I know that I will be okay, and so will my boys. We will adjust to this new schedule and routine and it will probably do us free spirits some good. I know that I loved him big and hard to see him on his way to this new adventure. I know that Big has his own anxieties about going into a new environment and meeting new people, so I’m mindful to keep my own anxieties from him. Once he feels settled in, I am very much looking forward to seeing my boy grow and flourish as a kindergartner. My heart will burst wide open with pride when he starts reading and writing and his interests into various subjects take shape. I also look forward to spending one-on-one time with Little Bro, and seeing his interests further emerge and develop. It’s a new way for all of us. Even my husband has a new routine to get used to, as he has decided to change his work schedule so that we can spend more family time together in the evening.  

Seasons of life are always changing. I’m learning to cherish each one we are in and embrace the new ones as they come. There’s so much goodness in each season and I will love them all for different reasons.