“Mommy, why do those planes keep crashing into those buildings?”

10 years.  Can you believe it?  I know I can’t.  In the last 10 years I feel as if a lifetime has passed and yet the minute I begin to recall the events of that fateful day in September I am instantly transported back, it hasn’t really been a decade has it?  Maybe it was just yesterday.  When the memories come it sure feels that way.

One thing that sticks out to me so profoundly about that day was the constant connection I needed to have to my family, especially my Mom.  I was a senior in college in South Carolina and my family was in Florida but I remember vividly talking to my Mom numerous times throughout the day.   I am actually from NYC. I was born in Manhattan and my parents had called the city home for roughly 15 years prior to my arrival.  Although I don’t remember much about living there, we traveled there often growing up and I still to this day have an unusually strong affinity for this great city.

A call to your Mother isn’t all that unusual in a time of tragedy, but my Mom had a unique perspective- not only her connection to living in Manhattan but also her profession at the time.  You see President Bush happened to be in my hometown that day and My Mom was working for our Congressman.  In a dramatic set of circumstances, my mom was only two degrees of separation from the Commander in Chief that day and it gave me great comfort to know that she was only a phone call away from me.  Regardless of her job, I still would have wanted to call and talk to her and hear her voice.  I needed to know it was all going to be OK.  It wasn’t, things would forever change, but I needed to have someone comfort me.   Plain and simple, I needed my Mama.  It wasn’t as if she was giving me classified information…she didn’t have that much access; but what she did have was authority; a sense of calm, comfort, and a ready and willing ear to listen.

Now 10 years later, I am the Mom and although my boys are young, I am anticipating questions when the images start appearing on the television.  We can only shield our children from so much.  After all, the events of September 11^th will forever be a part of the course of history in their lives, both in the classroom and out, so it is really just a matter of when the exposure will start, not if.  So what are we as parents going to do about it?  Aside from turning off the television for the weekend (which you could totally do if you felt so inclined) I would encourage you to have a plan for how you might handle the questions that could arise.  As with all parenting scenarios your response will be based on the age and maturity of your child but some principles remain the same regardless of how old they are.

1. Reassure their safety in that moment.  Children need to know that their immediate safety is guaranteed.  Hold them close, turn off the television if need be and remind them that in that moment you are protecting them.  You can’t promise a life free of tragedy but you can promise them comfort in the midst of it.  If you are traveling on an airplane in the near future and your child connects the planes they see on TV with the plane they are about to get on talk to them about new safety measures and all the things they will experience at the airport to make them more comfortable.

2. Be honest.  You don’t have to give a lot of details but if children ask questions like, “Were all the people on the plane killed?” Then you need to answer yes.  Omitting the truth isn’t going to be beneficial in the long term.  Honesty can be simple even when the circumstances are not.  Cater to the appropriate age level and allow for more questions.  In other words, don’t quickly shut them down (see #4). If you are uncomfortable answering then your child won’t feel safe enough to ask. Remember it is always OK to say you don’t have all the answers.  Your honesty is always going to be the best policy…even if it is hard.

3. Provide an alternative to just talking.  I would suggest turning those harder questions into moments of comfort (see also #1).  If your child asks a hard question you could turn that into an opportunity to draw a picture about how they are feeling (don’t be alarmed if they draw pictures of planes crashing…this is therapeutic and allows them to express what they most likely couldn’t talk about) or plant a flower that you could remember the victims by.  If you choose to hang a flag on that day then have them help you and tell them why you are doing it.

4. Finally, allow and initiate follow up.   Resist the temptation to assume they are fine after a small encounter.  As with all hard circumstances, children process much slower than we do as adults.  If your child is just being exposed to these events in history for the first time, they may still be working through it come October 11^th.  If you notice that your child is withdrawn or distant provide a safe, distraction free environment to allow for more discussion.  It could also very well be the case that your kids are totally fine and don’t think another thing of it.  No worries, you don’t have to push for something that isn’t there, just be mindful of their cues for attention and try and get at the heart of the matter.

There is no doubt that this is hard stuff.  Tragedy, death, and evil: those are all very challenging topics that are often uncomfortable to discuss.  You are not alone when you feel ready to throw up your arms in defeat.  Just remember this, what children need most in a time of uncertainty is YOU.  Your presence, routine, and loving touch (even without words) can go much farther than you think or give yourself credit for.  Hard conversations may not come naturally to you, but I am willing to guess that hugs, comfort, and a cuddle on the couch do.  So, go with what you know and give yourself the freedom to not have all the answers.  A hug may just be the best answer ever.