We moms are all supposed to be on the same team, right? But what about those times when you catch another mom giving you a sideways judgy glance – whether it’s because you just let your toddler eat a cracker off the floor or your preschooler is getting bullied by a bigger kid and you step in to reprimand the offender? In this series we’re talking about these sticky situations…the ones where you feel like you might be breaking some sort of unspoken rule – if only you knew what it was! Help us solve these tricky questions in the comments – sound off with your own opinions and let’s get some discussion going!
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Despite sharing parts of my life through blogging, I am actually a private person. I don’t want to be in people’s business, and I certainly don’t want them in mine. What happens, though, if your child, through a raging tantrum, decides to invite the entire community into your business? That was really hard for me when my girls were younger. It is something I think all parents begin to dread as their child begins to toddle. Those tantrums are sure to follow soon. It gave me anxiety just thinking about what was to inevitably come. And come they did. Just not like I thought they would.
As an adoptive mom to children with difficult backgrounds, I’ve had the distinct challenge of having those “terrible twos” continue on past preschool years and have gotten lots of practice not caring what people think or feeling super awkward in those times. Because her chronological age does not match her emotional age, she will sometimes tantrum because of the same overwhelmed emotions a toddler gets, only in a much bigger body. Because of her size, it becomes a bit ridiculous to watch at times. It was not very long ago that such a tantrum hit in Target. Here I am just trying to get in and out with a few necessities, and she is crying, screaming and carrying on. People began to stare. Whether they are nosy or not, it is hard to ignore the “creative” abilities of a child that isn’t getting her way.
It has been my experience, that most people don’t share their opinions. Well, at least not verbally. 😉 So my question to you, our fabulous SMB readers, is this: How do you handle a child in the middle of a tantrum? I am a seasoned mom and still tantrums take me off guard at times. I need some great new ideas to pull out of my tool box! Do you walk away knowing she will follow? Physically pick up the child and leave the area? Give them a consequence? Bribe them? Say something to your child that is really for the benefit of your on-lookers? Sing at the top of your lungs? Have another fabulous idea?
Oh my – I can’t wait for these comments!!! I’d love to hear any (and all) mommy wisdom on this topic!
I physically pick up the child and leave.
My best tantrum story was when Nate was 2… middle of library story-time. the tantrum was so bad, he was (carefully) removed by me from the library, upside down by his ankles. Yup, I said upside down. He had to skip story-time for four weeks in a row, while Julia went in with friends and came out with a craft (he and I waited outside in the car while a sweet friend took Julia). Four weeks later, I explained that if he had a tantrum, next time he would skip eight weeks.
He honestly has never had a public tantrum again.
Ha! Kate! I love it! Upside down. I think your follow through was great too!
For us, it depends if it is a public or private tantrum. If it is at home, I take Parker into his room and let him know he can throw a fit alone in his room but he will not act that way in front of me, that I will not allow it. If it’s in public I do the physically remove and leave. Its a tough call though. On the one hand they need to learn not to act that way in the first place, and how to effectively communicate their emotions, and on the other it is embarassing for us as the parents. The reason we leave is because he and I both tend to do and say things we wouldn’t mean to if there are glaring eyes. Neither of us handle it very well when there is an audience. We do much better to remove ourselves and talk about it in private.
How do you deal with it at home vs. in public? Do you have different approach’s based on what is going on with her and where?
Jess-I like how you acknowledge that the feeling he is having is okay, but the fit is not. It’s okay to feel frustrated, angry, hurt, or sad. The behavior resulting from the feeling is the unacceptable part. My guy’s only 15 months and hasn’t had a huge tantrum, yet, but I’ll keep your approach in mind!
Of course! I tend to say VERY loudly I am sorry you are sad/upset/disappointed/etc right now, but you still need to make good choices. Or something to that effect. I have also started singing. Think Elf in the toy department. Something declaring my love to her despite her grumpiness. It works well for mine because she is usually trying to get MY attn not other people’s. At home, she goes to her room, too, to work out her feelings.
[…] Today I’m over at Scottsdale Mom’s Blog with a post on toddler tantrums. Check it out here. […]
Fortunately we haven’t experienced too many tantrums with my 5 year old, but if my son continues to be exactly opposite from my daughter in every way, I am in for some fun times. I may have to try that upside down lift-off someday :0
I am a huge fan of Love & Logic parenting and have been using it for several years. It seems to make logical sense for kids and allows them to make choices and then experience the natural consequences of their behavior. They taught me this tip for public tantrums.
In my limited experience, her tantrum ultimately comes down to a desire for my attention and frustration from not getting her way. I try to remember to empathize with her feelings but then distance myself from her negative behavior. Something like this, “I understand that you are so disappointed about XYZ, and I’m happy to be with you when you can behave appropriately in the grocery store.” Then I walk away from her while she is screaming on the floor in the grocery store. Most of the time she’ll stop the tantrum immediately because she doesn’t want to be left alone. (Granted I have never been far enough away for her to be in danger or anything like that, but I have left her eyesight.)
With tantrums at home, it sounds crazy but sometimes I try to encourage the tantrum as a way to shift the focus to something else. Saying something like, “Wow, can’t you hit the floor harder than that?” or “I think you can scream louder than that,” seem to work well 🙂 It just takes the passion out of the situation and hopefully calms everyone down with humor. I love your idea of singing, Cate, and will have to try it out too!
Honestly, it’s a good think that we haven’t had to encounter many of these because I tend to get frustrated easily so I appreciate reading everyone’s tips 🙂
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