How To Sabotage Your New Year’s Resolutions in a Nanosecond

Every year post-Christmas, you contemplate how you are going to start the new year on the right foot. If your new year’s resolutions look something like the items below, you have a 99% chance of sabotaging yourself quickly.

• Get Organized: Perhaps it’s the Christmas decorations that spark your interest in starting the new year in an organized fashion. So you head off to The Container Store and purchase $220 worth of storage boxes for ornaments and wreaths. (Keep in mind that some of your Homegoods décor items cost a fraction of the price to store the items.) You fill with pride thinking of your labeled ornament boxes only to find out that most ornaments are not perfect 4 inch sphere baubles. You resort to tissue paper and newspaper and have paid a minor ransom for what appears to be a clear plastic box stuffed with newspaper-rolled ornaments.
• Eat Healthy: You have eaten your way from Thanksgiving turkey to Christmas cookies, to go with glass after glass of wine. You are going to eat clean and healthy in 2015! You empty out your pantry, you buy fresh vegetables and lean proteins for the fridge. You dust off the recipe books that you never use because the recipes don’t have cheese, butter, sugar , or booze in them. You are ready to eat clean. You may even decide to ditch caffeine (now that’s just CrAzY talk). Try to make it to Friday when you are exhausted after a grueling work week and the LAST think you want is your kale/quinoa salad with your poached lemon pepper chicken breast. You open a beer, you order a pizza, you eat and enjoy this experience immensely. Sabotage complete!
• Get Fit: You are motivated and excited, now that you got your Fitbit from Santa and can begin your exercise regime with tracking functionality. You may sign up for a new gym membership. You idiotically grab the class list and highlight all the 5:30 am Bootcamp classes you will be attending. You purchase new footwear and envision your healthy self downing a power shake at 4:45am before you kick booty. Your instructor pulls you to the front to demonstrate your 10 min plank. You are AWESOME. Then, your alarm goes off at 7 am to prove to you once again that DREAMS are amazing. Can anyone who is not a robot really hold a plank for 10 minutes? I digress.
•  Be Super Mommy: This one is a doozy. You are going to be that FICTIONAL mommy who works, bakes daily, writes lunchbox notes, tutors in Mandarin, practices penalty kicks at the park, sews American Girl clothes, plans/executes amazing birthday parties, scrapbooks/journals all major milestones. You get the picture: a Pinterest BEHEMOTH. By week two, you have resorted to a post it note on a Lunchable. To be fair, you drew a Smiley Face with the most important words, “I Love You.”