Love for a Birth Mother

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I joyfully share my heart with another woman. When my husband and I began our adoption journey about a decade ago, we felt led to pursue international adoption. Although it was not THE reason for choosing this route, the lack of involvement of birth parents in the process appeared at first to be an added bonus.  It seemed incredulous to spend more time with a stranger who may desire the affections of my child than absolutely necessary. That may seem selfish, but I I know I am not alone in this real fear when people consider adoption. I always thought it would probably save me a lot of heartache to be able to one day simply answer, “I don’t know” to any questions my kids had. That, however, was not to be our story. I am so very grateful that it isn’t.

Just 36 hours into our first trip to Haiti, we were confronted with the opportunity to meet our girls’ birth family members. They heard that we were in the country and came to find us. I will admit that my shock and awkwardness nearly overtook me. As I cradled one of my girls, I remember my heart nearly exploding with love. All I could think was, “how will I one day tell her I missed this chance to know something about her because I was scared?” Out of love, we went to the meeting. The pictures and words and connections we made that day were priceless. It was worth every ounce of mustered courage. And I know one day it will be also necessary when the questions do come. For a great deal of them I will be forced to say, “I don’t know.” That does not bring me comfort now, but I’m glad I can say a bit of something. I can gift the girls with one more piece of their story, and they deserve that. It isn’t an ongoing relationship, but it opened my heart to what could be.

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Fast forward a few years, and we were blessed by another adoption. This time a son. The domestic route proved to be very different. Although the process was just a few months, instead of years, long, the connection with the birth mother that chose us, was much more intimate. Having just a few nuggets of information about our girls, I was hungry to know everything about this woman. Over hours and hours of conversations, I found myself deeply caring for her.

Not because of our son.

Not because of her history.

Not because of what I was getting.

Simply and deeply because I had grown to love her.

I wanted her best. The love that I have for her actually wants her in our life. I would have welcomed more contact had she desired it. I never would have imagined I would have felt that way ever.  I knew in adoption that the lack of shared genes would not affect my love for my children. I never knew my heart would grow to such a place that I would not just appreciate or care for, but truly love, the ones that shared my children’s genes. So I share my son. Not physically, because she does not see him. Not emotionally, because he does not know she exists yet. But in my heart, I share him. More often than even my husband knows, I think of her and pray for her. My son is one of the most beautiful, amazing kids I have ever known. When he does something fantastically adorable or amazingly unique or incredibly naughty, I think of her. She is missing this. On some level, we both have a peace about that. It doesn’t make it easier, though. She is missing this kid. I want everyone to know him. He’s that awesome. She, above most people, has a claim on him. She gave him life. She was a part of the miracle that is him. She loved him into my arms. And so her missing these moments means that much more to me. For that, I will always share my heart with her. The deep part of my heart that is my son’s will always have her. I am more than okay with that.

6 COMMENTS

  1. You are amazing. You probably don’t remember me….but I knew you briefly when you were going through the adoption process for your girls…I was student teaching at Desert Voices at the time & you were subbing across the hall. I hope to see you sometime soon at one of the mommys night outs. I really enjoy reading your posts. You are an amazing writer…..and your kids are so lucky to have you as their mommy.

  2. I love how concisely you write your stories. This is so beautiful! What an amazing perspective and how lucky E is to have you as a mom 🙂

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