November is always an exciting month for me. Not only is it Thanksgiving, but my husband AND my oldest son both have birthdays this month. It’s the month that the Christmas stuff REALLY starts coming out, and we are the busiest in our business at this time of year. It’s the start of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and I really love how exciting it all is. BUT. This time of year also brings about some emotions that still linger in my soul. Emotions of loss, a little grief, and pain in remembering what I endured five years ago.
Five years ago this month, I had my first miscarriage.
It was my first ever pregnancy and I was left with a loss in my heart that was unexplainable. A deep aching for a little baby whom I had never met. And one that I never will, on this side of heaven.
I had always heard of the statistics about how common miscarriages are, but it’s not the sort of thing that you ever expect to happen to you. I was left feeling anxious, mad, frustrated, scared and SO sad. I grieved for a little baby that never got a chance to be. One I never got the chance to meet. And one who will never call me mamma in this life. The waves of sadness surprised me. I never expected to be so heartbroken at the loss of a little one who’s eyes I never got to see, who I never got to hold, who I never got to feel kick in my tummy.
It was this November five years ago, that I thought I would be finally announcing to my family that Jason and I were expecting. I thought I was going to safely make it through the first trimester and that we would be able to share our exciting news. Instead, I was calling my mom to let her know that I WAS pregnant and that I had lost the little one. Why? I wasn’t sure.
And that’s what killed me the most.
Sometime within the first few weeks of our first miscarriage, a good friend of mine sent me an email with a little poem in it. She was looking from the outside in, and wanted to help in some way. But how do you help when you don’t know what exactly to say? She told me that her own mother had had several miscarriages throughout her life. And that she kept this little poem tucked away into her bible where she could read it whenever she wanted. My sweet friend thought that maybe, just MAYBE this poem would help me too.
Boy, did it ever.
I read the poem and just sat and sobbed on my couch. Somehow, these words in this poem touched me more deeply than any other shared wisdom from friends. More than any bible verse I had tried to seek comfort in. More than any of the doctors who would say that I hadn’t done anything wrong.
I KNOW I didn’t do anything wrong.
But it didn’t make the pain any easier. It didn’t make the loss any easier. But this little poem struck my heart in such a way and gave me some encouragement. It allowed me to sigh a little breath of relief, for whatever reason. So now I make it a point to pass it on to everyone I can when I find out they suffered a miscarriage, in hopes that it will help someone the same way it helped me.
I have since had TWO healthy boys, who are now two and four years old. And I DID suffer another miscarriage in-between the two boys. That one wasn’t any easier of a loss than the first one, but the feelings were at least more familiar. And now, every time November rolls around, I am filled with mostly a lot of joy. The holidays are a time of joy, and family, and celebrating. But I DO take a little time to remember the babies that I’ve lost.
I do still cry from time to time when I think of them.
For they aren’t any less my children as the two are who made it here. I would have loved to have been their mother on this earth. But I am SO thankful for the two that I have here. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever done and there are lots of moments that feel unbearable.
But at the end of the day, I am THANKFUL.
The two blessings that I have make life that much more exciting. And I am so blessed to have been chosen to be their mamma. The two little ones I lost have equally taught me so much about love, how precious life really is, and spur me on to celebrating the lives we have here and now.
So, sweet mom, I’m passing this poem on to you.
If you have experienced miscarriage in your life, or know someone who has, I hope that this brings you comfort. No matter what religion or faith you choose to believe in, I hope this little poem can reach the depths of your soul and bring you a little ounce of peace. Having a miscarriage isn’t your fault. And it’s OK to be more grieved than you thought you would be. Walking through all of those emotions is normal and it takes awhile to get your heart back intact. I know miscarriage isn’t something that makes any sense. And it definitely doesn’t seem fair. But these little words helped me to sort of make sense of something that was painful, personal, and deeply moving in my heart.
November is a month full of mixed emotions for me. But every year, I remind myself to be grateful for my story and to find the joy even in the darkest of hours. And if this helps just one of you, then it was totally worth it.
A BABY’S SECRET
I’m just a little feller,
And I didn’t quite make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
And I’m waiting there for you.
Don’t you fret about me Mommy,
I’m of all God’s lambs most blest.
I’d have loved to stay there with you,
But our Shepherd knows what’s best.
Many dwelling here where I live,
Waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
And their lives were marred by sin.
So sweet Mommy don’t you sorrow,
Wipe those tears and chase those glooms.
I went straight to Jesus Bosom,
From my Mother’s lovely womb.
Thank you for the life you gave me.
It was brief, but don’t complain.
I have all of Heaven’s Glory,
Suffered none of earthly pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I’d have loved to brought it fame.
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,
Might instead have brought it shame.
Daddy gave me something for you,
It’s our secret Mommy dear.
Pressed it tight against my forehead,
Whispered in my tiny ear.
I’ll be waiting for you Mommy.
You and Daddy, brothers and sisters.
I’ll be with you then forever,
And I’ll give you Daddy’s kiss.