“Mommy has breast cancer” | Coming clean with my daughter about my diagnosis

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and everywhere we turn there is Pink! Pink products, pink ribbons, pink drinks, all things pink.  Over the years, I have donated my time and money to help others learn about breast health and breast cancer. It is something that I became passionate about, as I watched friends and family fight this disease. From day 1, I dragged my Mini Me along with me to “Pink events”.  She did her first Race at 3 months old in a stroller!

Because of my advocacy my 10 year old “knows” breast cancer. But this past year something changed.

I was diagnosed with an aggressive Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

What broke me in two was not my official diagnosis. It was the prospect of telling my Mini Me. It was the prospect of my only child growing up without a mother. But my husband and I decided to tell her, to be honest, no subterfuge. She knew I found a lump, and was there when I had the biopsy. So the day of my diagnosis she walked in the door after school and asked “Did you find out?”

“Yes, Mommy has breast cancer.” My husband said, before I could answer.

“NOOO! Mommy!” my daughter screamed as she burst into tears.

My heart broke into a million pieces. That kind of sadness and pain is something that no mother wants to hear from her child. Amazingly, after 10 minutes she was calm and sat down for a snack and began her homework. It was then that I knew we would be ok. We would make it. We would fight together. She could handle it.

As I endured chemo, four surgeries including an emergency double mastectomy, radiation with complications, and more, my Mini Me was by my side each step of the way. As parents, we made the decision to include our daughter in the process. She wanted to see what mommy was going through. When we asked her why, she said it made it easier for her.

We found that when we delayed telling her something, she instinctively knew something was going on. So she met my doctors, came to a chemo treatment, a radiation treatment, and to the hospital for my surgeries. She helped me shave my head! She even wanted to cut her hair, but we said no!

Now this may not work for every child, and it was not without challenges. My baby girl missed the closeness we shared. Not being able to lie with me in bed was painful for both of us. On a few occasions she angrily told us not to forget about her. But throughout, we tried to keep her life as normal as possible, knowing there would be hiccups along the way. She still did sleep-overs, and play dates. We let her see me cry.

I am sure the experts would say that this honesty wouldn’t work with all kids. The grandparents certainly questioned this approach. But we didn’t do it alone. We worked with her school and also found a doctor for her to talk to. They answered the questions she was afraid to ask us. Most important, we built a foundation of support around her. I think it worked!

Now, my Mini Me considers herself an “expert”. She likes talking about breast health, and her experience this past year. (I’m sure there’s a college essay in there somewhere!) Most important, she is happy that Mommy is healing. We’re back to getting mani-pedis together, mommy-daughter movie nights, and Bieber concerts! To cap it off, we walked together in her 10^th Race for a Cure!

When I asked her what I should tell moms in similar situations, she said…

“Tell them to trust their children. Don’t hide things or tell stories. Find something that works for their kids.”

Then she added,

“Can you tell them to teach their daughters what’s “normal” for their bodies?”

I couldn’t be more proud!

So as you Think Pink this month, remember: it’s never too early to teach your daughters breast health! Teach them to be comfortable with their bodies, so they can tell if something different ever arises. Teach them that breast health is more than one month–it’s a lifestyle.

Trust me. They can handle it.

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Barbra Watson-Riley is an attorney, breast cancer advocate and Phoenix-area mom. She sits on the boards of the Susan G. Komen Foundation – Phoenix Affiliate and Coalition of Blacks Against Breast Cancer and has served on boards and been active in numerous other service organizations. Barbra recently celebrated 17 years of marriage with her husband Brendon. They have a 10-year-old daughter, Blayre.

Barbra is a one-year survivor of breast cancer. She blogs at www.pinkwellchick.com about breast and heart health and at www.inkwellchicks.com, where she chronicled her own personal breast cancer journey.